The last two months have been rough for me. I have been struggling, alone. Some may say thay I had what people called it mental health issue, but I was not in hurry to make the call. One thing for sure, I know that I was depressed, and I was lonely.This writing is not about losing someone that I love. This is about me figuring out my zen.
Everything started in March 2019. I broke up with my abusive girlfriend (thank fuck for that). I was so scared and scarred, mentally. I was afraid that my past relationship will change my view about women, or about romantic relationship in general. At that time before I freed myself, I had my go-to girl friend. Every single night I pour all my emotions to her, because apparently I cannot show my true emotions to my abusive girlfriend. After I broke up, my go-to girl friend became my one out of two best friends. Literally every weekends since then I always spent my time with her. We were enjoying our moments. Literally those times were the best time of my 2019. We even talk to each about what do we want in terms of this relationship. She wanted to settle down with one man, and at that time I'm really not ready to committed to anyone. We want things differently.
To make it shorts, in August, a man asking my go-to bestfriend to be his girlfriend, and rightly so she accepted. She told me cheerfully, left me in a little bit despair. It is not that I am sad that she accepted his proposal, but the fact that I will be no longer her priority suffocated me. Soon after she told me that news, I told her that we cannot be together like we used to. Something that I haven't realized at that time that I didn't just lost my bestfriend, but I also let go part of my life.
Life after that was suck. I don't really have anyone. All my friends were busy with their own priorities. At first I was like "alright cool, we are already 25, we have our own life". But things got worsen. For some reason I felt like no one wanted to engage with me, not even chatting. Everyone seemed forget about me. My so called best friend really let me down. I felt left out. It was like God really wanted me to spend my time alone. For an extrovert like myself, it was like a torture. Everyone seemed to avoid me. It was so stressful. I was in no one's mind. I felt like I was dead, but not buried. Something told me that even tomorrow I was dead, no one is going to notice. No one is going to be sad. I'm going to be easily forgotten. It was The only thing stopped me from ending it maybe just the thought of how broken my parents will be seeing their son died before them. So I'm trying to survive.
I realized that I need to do something to overcome this. Then I read about how social media platform like Twitter and Instagram is affecting your mental health. Honestly at first I was sceptical, but I decided that it's time for me to stop scrolling both Twitter and Instagram. There are too many things that I don't need to know but I know from scrolling Twitter and Instagram.
The first week I stop using them, I barely feel the difference. The need to open those two eating me alive. I was addicted to them. I know that I need a distraction. I then bought three books as subtitutes. I started to read book whenever I commute from my home to my workplace. Then after almost two months stop using social media platform, I feel soooo much better. I still don't have that many friends, but somehow I don't feel loneliness and depression anymore. You can say that there are no correlation between me stop using social media and me feeling lonely and depressed, but I felt the opposite. I feel like social media nowadays is really toxic, to the state that it is very hostile, at least for me. Social media is really triggering the hatred out of me.
Right now, thankfully I am in a much better state now. Less hate, less angry, less depressed. I understand that a lot of you have much better personality than me, but I just want to remind you to manage your social media carefully. Do everything that makes you happy.
There are things that I didn't write it here, because it is already too long to read.
Thank you.
